fund raising frustrations

this was my last poker tournament. we started this, have done four of them in the past two years, and this was basically my last one. the management of my department supports it enough to allow us to hold it, but not enough to participate. the overhead for this event was about $2,600. we raised $1,500.

was the cause good? yes. we were raising money for sunshine acres children's home. a fantastic charity for children with no other options.

was there enough interest? potentially. i mean, we've hosted this event for four times - we wouldn't continue to do it if there was no interest.

what happened this time? management got the go ahead from the higher ups, the big wigs that tell us that we can host such an event. management also got approval to host a golf tournament. the problem is that they have to be held the same day. now, for the management, they have the opportunity to shmooze with vendors and executives of the company. they drop their cash there. after playing golf all day, most of them don't want to play cards in the early afternoon! they just want to go drink with their shmoozing friends.

people say they'll come, then don't show. sure, there's a lack of integrity there, but who's going to hold them accountable? beyond that, because they're not going to participate, they don't plug it in the department. they don't encourage anyone to come play.

all in all, this is a very sad day for me. i was really hoping that this would be a growing event, each time raising more money than the last. more vendors would participate - pulling their staff and, hopefully, some of the companies, vendors, and customers with whom they work. i hoped that this would be an exciting event that didn't discriminate - whether you were a regular employee, manager, director, executive, vendor - whatever.

instead, for my last event, we raised the least amount of money. we had the least amount of interest. we had a failed event.

this sucks.

oh, but it doesn't end there! i fully anticipate on driving this with other organizations! this is something that's exciting - everyone that was there was enjoying themselves, even if they weren't playing. the event was a lot of fun. sure, the turn out sucked ass, but it was lots of fun. i'm glad we did it. my faith in the management of this organization, however, shrinks on a daily basis.

britain's got talent

i just got done staying up far too late watching some clips from britain's got talent. susan boyle, a frumpy, middle-aged woman with bushy eyebrows and a lot of spunk sung an amazing rendition of a song from les mis. the looks on everyone's faces were extremely skeptical, only to be wowed in extraordinary fashion.

two years ago, a cell phone warehouse worker won the contest. i had heard about paul potts a little over a year ago and was astounded then, and then re-astounded tonight as i saw some of his performances, including his first.

but the thief of the night was little connie talbot. she was also on the 2007 show, a six-year old girl at the time, missing a few teef, long hair, and quiet. she was unassuming. beautiful. perfect. she reminded me so much of my niece, both of them wonderfully cute. and then she sang. her voice was amazing. she said that she started singing when she was two. this is hard for me to imagine, but, wow. spectacular. her favorite song is over the rainbow, which she sang with her grandmother when she was younger, and she did a fantastic job.

on one hand, i hope that such excitement follows my niece in her life, as she is someone who is truly special to me. on the other, i hope she finds ways of leading an exciting life that does not include fame. and i hope and wish that the simple dreams of connie talbot to sing, doing what she loves, is not tainted by celebrity. her innocence is evident - although i do not hope she maintains such innocence, just that she matures well.

haha: "there's no fire, it's just 'beep, beep, beep.'" how awesome is my niece? and she's not performing for anyone, she's just being...

what a weird day!

the vice president of my department will soon no longer be the vice president of my department. this is news that i encountered on saturday. i would be shitting my pants right now, if it weren't for the simple fact that i'm bouncing soon enough.

in the afternoon, one friend calls, and we start bitching about a mutual friend and recent occurrences. right after that, my mom calls just to chat (which is awesome!). basically, i'm outside on my phone for almost an hour rapping about birthday presents, fucked up lovelives, and family stuff. then, i go inside and message about a somewhat awkward situation between two friends - a girl i used to dig and a really close friend.

all in all, the situation is fine by me if they want to date, i'm not going to get serious with anyone in the near future, but they want to make sure it's all good - even though nothing's really happening yet. and that, to me, in the briefest of terms, is fucking awesome. i mean, they're both people i respect and love, are independently awesome, and, together, could be some bomb ass shit. now being the outsider looking in, i can really see how this could work - even though they're both extremely different in so many ways. but, what binds them together, is the simple fact that they are hilarious, smart, opinionated, and set in their ways. there's enough difference to keep things interesting yet enough entertainment to keep them together.

if it works out that way. and it may not. who knows. i am not the master of all deep things. all in all...what a weird day.

how i feel.

what an interesting time in my life!

i'm four and a half months away from one of the biggest occurences in my life to date. my friends and family are all very excited for me. my family has already expressed the dichotomy that is joy and sadness for this new endeavor. after all, i'm moving overseas soon.

for everything i am about to say, i will preface with this statement: i am overjoyed by this development. i am very much looking forward to the changes that are about to happen in my life. yesterday and saturday showed me that i will very much miss my family, especially my niece, of whom i am very fond.

that being said, i feel a sense of numbness concerning everything else that is happening.

one of my best friends and confidants, in whom i have been able to rely for the past five plus years now has a boyfriend. i am very excited for her - i know that she is in love, and i know that he is good for her. i will not judge her actions because of that, and am elated because of this latest circumstance. she deserves it, she really does.

as to him, however, the jury is still out. i have not yet determined how i feel about him - i feel that he is a bit opportunistic in this situation, and that does not sit well with me. maybe i am being protective - nay, overprotective - because he is, after all, dating a dear friend, who i do not wish to see hurt.

that being said, i have noticed a change in her behavior over the last few weeks. now, i think she shares things with me out of obligation, not because she actually wants to. when we hang out, she is rarely present, instead addicted to the next text message. i feel as though everything i say is weighed cautiously, as though she expects me to piss on her parade and do not actually wish for her happiness.

beyond all of this, i need to be careful. over the course of a month or a month-and-a-half, he has conquered the confines that is her trust. now, everything that i tell her, she tells him. this would be fine if it were not for the fact that i do not trust him. i barely know him. i have yet to determine - for myself - whether or not he is good for her. and now, everything i have to share is no longer held to her, but shared with him. how do i know he will not share that information with someone else? who does he talk to? if this information is important to her, and he is true to her by not sharing it, does the importance of the secrecy of the imformation lessen because of its source, me? i have no answer.

how do i respond? i cannot tell her that i have reservations about this newfound relationship that she has with this fellow, that would only weaken the bounds of our relationship. if i confront her, i will suffer. but i will suffer regardless of the confrontation: i do not trust him, and, therefore, cannot trust her. i can no longer share things with her, because they will not remain with her.

i feel as though i have already left.

everyone appears to be moving on. there are situations where this is fine - even encouraged - but, for the most part, i feel as though this will be the slowest and loneliest five months of my life.

i have to say, though, that when i moved in october, i stumbled upon the best situation i could find. i trust my current roommate like a brother. i know that whatever decision he makes for himself is cautiously weighed with the impact that it will have on everyone in his life, not just himself. he is unselfish and careful. i can be completely honest with him. as people move on and move up, i can still be real with at least one person in my life.

there is someone else too. i walk with a friend on monday nights. she is precious to me, very important. i look forward to our time together, although it is generally no longer than a couple of miles. again, i can share whatever information with her, and i trust that it will remain between the two of us. her comments are always true and fair, and she is always honest with her opinion, regardless of whether or not her answers are positive or negative. i can rely upon her to listen to my silly gripes or inane thoughts.

i have another friend with whom i can talk, but, he has grown to be more and more unreliable - only to me. his girlfriend recently moved here from out of state, and his responsibilities have shifted to care for her, which i understand. (still does not mean i appreciate last-minute plan chnages, but, such is life.) of course, whenever we do get the chance to hang out, we always have fun and laugh. he will always be one of my best friends.

i do not have much opportunity to see my other close friend. we work opposite hours, but we get to talk every now and again. his sense of humor is far different from mine, but is still funny to me. his sense of responsibility is much more urgent than mine. but i care for him deeply. i would say that about all of my friends, regardless of what is happening right now, i love them all.

and now, my family. i need to spend as much time with them as possible in the coming months. my mom has already started to miss me, she told me, which makes me chuckle, but also makes me sad. she is, undoubtedly, the most important person in my life. i love her dearly, and i am not looking forward to the day i leave. my pops has opened up more and more over the years, and i have grown to really appreciate our relationship. both of them temper my optimism with a healthy dose of "reality," which may come across as pessimism and skepticism, but the combination definitely helps me to stay grounded.

my sisters and i do not talk much, when we do, the conversations are fleeting. we catch up, find out what is going on in each other's lives, but not much beyond this. one brother-in-law detests me and will barely even speak to me, and the other is kind enough to make small talk with me. they get along great. i do not feel as though i fit in with them, but i like them both - not necessarily because we get along so well, but because i know that both of my sisters are happy, and that is the most important thing to me.

finally, my niece. she just turned five. she is adorable and intelligent. yesterday, easter, we were at my parents' house. the fire alarm kept sounding, and she was there to calm me down. with big, knowing doe eyes, she looked up at me, "it's not a fire, it's just a 'beep, beep, beep.'" when it went off again, she says, "tutugran'pa's house is broken." i feel like, at just five years of age, she gets me. no one understands me like she does. my childish sense of humor. my naive perspective of life. my silly urges to play. she gets me - or at least i make myself believe that she gets me. she is brilliant, far beyond anyone will ever give her credit. even when she is grumpy, she finds a way to smile. she has a terrific outlook on life. she brings me the most joy.

all in all, my life is good. i mean, i wrote this to bitch about my frustrations, but realize how good i have it. i have three solid friends, one of my best friends might be a little mixed up during the initial portion of this new relationship, but will always be there for me when needed. my family is...my family. odd and quirky in their own way, but consistent, and i love them.

eh. at least i will sleep better tonight with this new realization...